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  • NewsBiscuit
    stop and ask directions to Alton Towers Forty three year old Gary Winterson from Stockport yesterday reached the summit of the world s highest mountain having decided some two months previously to shun all navigational aids and instead trust his instincts on the short drive from the family home to nearby theme park Alton Towers Mr Winterson who set off on 10 August and was joined on the expedition by his wife and two children is believed to be the first to complete the notoriously difficult ascent in Bermuda shorts and a 1 8 litre family saloon Popular new comic David Mitchell must make a buttock clenchingly awful British film soon says convention Friends of comic David Mitchell excited by his success and soaring popularity are urging him to take make the next crucial step in the path of a UK comedy hero to make a buttock clenchingly awful heart warming British movie Mitchell who struggled for years before becoming an overnight sensation has a rare quality among British comics say comedy experts Unlike his fellow satire game show panellists he is successful without being irritating or cocky Mitchell s intelligence and modesty have endeared him to the British public Surely a Carry On version of Three and Out must be next said one industry insider Tracey Emin to spend a year in formaldehyde for tax reasons The world of conceptual art has been set chattering by news that Tracey Emin has agreed to be suspended in formaldehyde for a year on the advice of her accountants The artist has agreed to take part in the latest installation by Fat Les frontman Damien Hirst entitled Tracey Cayman Hirst described it as a sort of conceptual visual protest song higlighting the gross iniquity of the current 50 top rate 20 years on woman finally deciphers meaning of mix tape Two decades after being given a C60 cassette of specially selected songs Rachel Hannigan a 38 year old consultant from Knutsford finally realised the collection of tortured alternative rock songs given to her by her chemistry lab partner James Barr was not just a compilation of some of his favourite songs that he thought she might like but was intended as a declaration of love Click here for the full story One from the archives Canadian delighted to be mistaken for an American I was pretty flattered to be honest Read more Divorcee who travelled the world to find herself admits disappointment with the results A middle aged woman recently returned from a round the world voyage of discovery into herself has spoken of her immense disappointment at realising she really is in fact every bit as dull as she first thought For years I felt identified by my roles as a wife and a mother and felt my life was in a bit of a rut So when my marriage ended and the kids left home I decided to seize the opportunity to reconnect with myself by going on my travels

    Original URL path: http://www.newsbiscuit.co.uk/ (2016-02-08)
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  • NewsBiscuit » Terms and Conditions
    notice Neither we nor any third parties provide any warranty or guarantee as to the accuracy timeliness performance completeness or suitability of the information and materials found or offered on this website for any particular purpose You acknowledge that such information and materials may contain inaccuracies or errors and we expressly exclude liability for any such inaccuracies or errors to the fullest extent permitted by law This website contains material which is owned by or licensed to us This material includes but is not limited to the design layout look appearance and graphics Reproduction is prohibited other than in accordance with the copyright notice which forms part of these terms and conditions All trademarks reproduced in this website which are not the property of or licensed to the operator are acknowledged on the website Every effort is used to use photograph and images in the public domain If you are the owner of an image that has inadvertently been reproduced on the site and you do not wish it to appear on the site please inform admin newsbiscuit com Your use of this website and any dispute arising out of such use of the website is subject to the laws

    Original URL path: http://www.newsbiscuit.co.uk/about/terms-and-conditions/ (2016-02-08)
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  • NewsBiscuit » Privacy Policy
    may find interesting using the email address which you have provided From time to time we may also use your information to contact you by email for market research purposes We will only use your information in conjunction with NewsBiscuit Security We are committed to ensuring that your information is secure In order to prevent unauthorised access or disclosure we have put in place suitable physical electronic and managerial procedures to safeguard and secure the information we collect online How we use cookies A cookie is a small file which asks permission to be placed on your computer s hard drive Once you agree the file is added and the cookie helps analyse web traffic or lets you know when you visit a particular site Cookies allow web applications to respond to you as an individual The web application can tailor its operations to your needs likes and dislikes by gathering and remembering information about your preferences We use traffic log cookies to identify which pages are being used This helps us analyse data about web page traffic and improve our website in order to tailor it to customer needs We only use this information for statistical analysis purposes and then the data is removed from the system Overall cookies help us provide you with a better website by enabling us to monitor which pages you find useful and which you do not A cookie in no way gives us access to your computer or any information about you other than the data you choose to share with us You can choose to accept or decline cookies Most web browsers automatically accept cookies but you can usually modify your browser setting to decline cookies if you prefer This may prevent you from taking full advantage of the website Links to

    Original URL path: http://www.newsbiscuit.co.uk/about/privacy-policy/ (2016-02-08)
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  • NewsBiscuit » Disclaimer
    purpose Any reliance you place on such information is therefore strictly at your own risk In no event will we be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation indirect or consequential loss or damage or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of or in connection with the use of this website Through this website you are able to link to other websites which are not under the control of Net Loss Ltd We have no control over the nature content and availability of those sites The inclusion of any links does not necessarily imply a recommendation or endorse the views expressed within them Every effort is made to keep the website up and running smoothly However Net Loss Ltd takes no responsibility for and will not be liable for the website being temporarily unavailable due to technical issues beyond our control Browse Archives October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November

    Original URL path: http://www.newsbiscuit.co.uk/about/disclaimer/ (2016-02-08)
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  • NewsBiscuit » About
    been able to add in a News in Brief section which updates a couple of times a day There are also scrolling headlines for one liners or links to stories on the subs board that are worth having a look at In the Autumn of 2008 some of the best stories were published under the title Isle of Wight to Get Ceefax which can be purchased by clicking here NewsBiscuit was also approached by BBC Radio Comedy and a pilot radio show was recorded featuring many of the ideas that first appeared on the site However it only sort of half worked and the Beeb asked us to go away and have another think about it which we will hopefully get round to eventually However we have been able to guide a number of our outside writers towards various shows on BBC Radio and they have had credits on such programmes as The Now Show and Look Away Now Keep an eye on the chat room for other professional writing opportunities The editors are all members of the Writers Guild of Great Britain and we do not ask you to click on a button asking you to surrender copyright to every idea you have submitted here or ever mentioned to your mates in the pub You retain copyright of anything of yours that you submit or that makes the front page on this site If you have not yet written for this site but are thinking about it please read the Guidelines For Contributors If you want to support NewsBiscuit you can do so in a variety of ways have a look here for some ideas If you have more questions about the site please click here for our FAQs Browse Archives October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009

    Original URL path: http://www.newsbiscuit.co.uk/about/ (2016-02-08)
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  • NewsBiscuit » Features » Red
    of Photoshop Town Planners playing Scrabble using Google Earth and Second Coming to Be Sponsored by Coca Cola Since his skills far exceeded anything in the NewsBiscuit office he was persuaded to take responsibility for all the photos on the site which he now does for an annual payment of one NewsBiscuit mug every decade which is not very much considering he designed those as well When he is not spending hours sourcing NewsBiscuit pics he is available to undertake any professional image work for your small business multi national corporation or wife s birthday card He can be contacted Here are some other examples of Red s work with links to the stories in which they appear NewsBiscuit Spread the word share this story x Send to a Friend Your name Your email Friend name Friends email Click to send this story to a friend Posted Feb 20th 2007 by NewsBiscuit Click for more stories about Features Browse Archives October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006 July 2006 May 2006 April 2006 January 2006 August 2005 June 1970 May 200 More from Features Family dog takes gap year to find himself Marketing manager almost definitely shagging new woman in accounts Digital Ouija boards to bring spirit world into 21st century Britain s most gullible man calls for April 1st restraint Star Wars Storm Troopers suffering mental health issues

    Original URL path: http://www.newsbiscuit.co.uk/2007/02/20/red/ (2016-02-08)
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  • NewsBiscuit » Guidelines for Contributors
    key here everything in the article should relate to and develop from the original idea including of course the brilliant punchline For example there was a good gag recently about the Iraqi courtroom being redecorated and Saddam Hussein saying he didn t recognise the court We would have loved to crowbar that gag into the story about Saddam being condemned to rule Iraq but that would have been an illogical diversion That s not to say that a story cannot have more than one comic idea in it the headline Undaunted old person does something normally done by young people starts out as a parody of cliched local news reporting but then develops as it turns out that the granny is going out binge drinking The length of the material that is already up there should give you an approximate idea of what we are looking for unless the story develops as with the example above there is no point in coming at the same basic joke from various different angles Longer non news ideas are welcome spoof reviews columnists letters horoscopes etc all could make a welcome addition to the embryonic features section Like the news stories this is still quite likely to get rewritten but as we say elsewhere on the site if you object to your material being savagely redrafted then this is probably not the site for you A few writers stick their first draft up on the submissions board instead of spending time rewriting it printing it out in hard copy reading and re working and editing it Spending longer on each submission is thoroughly recommended because you can then be far more indignant when we just take your headline and virtually start again from scratch Many professional comedy writers started out in partnerships we would love it if teamwork could evolve on this site with wiki gag writing developing in which punchlines were suggested for each others pieces etc It should not be beyond the etiquette of the site that another writer takes someone else s story and redrafts it edits it or whatever We will look at all the various drafts if we are to put a story on the front page and make a judgement as to giving credit where it is deserved A few other style things we don t tend to refer to ourselves so Newsbiscuit can reveal or an informer told NewsBiscuit is something you should probably avoid It hopefully goes without saying that racist sexist and homophobic material is not welcome However this is not the 1980s and material about race sex religion etc is fine if it is coming from the right direction We don t mind stuff that may seem in questionable taste as long as the sickness of a joke is not just shocking for its own sake e g the submission about hospital patients being treated after a TV phone vote upset one or two people but had something to say as well as

    Original URL path: http://www.newsbiscuit.co.uk/about/guidelines-for-contributors/ (2016-02-08)
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  • NewsBiscuit » Support NewsBiscuit
    application that automatically posts a new story to your profile page every day Join the group here You ll see under every story a post to Facebook button clicking here will help spread the site NewsBiscuit Merchandise Visit the NewsBiscuit store you re welcome to buy our ludicrously overpriced products as long as you remember they won t arrive for weeks Stumble Upon You may already be familiar with StumbleUpon it is essentially a way of spending a great deal of time on the Internet You tell them what websites you like and it starts to build up a picture of what you might enjoy in the future and then sends you there We ve found that a great many new users have been brought to the site by people giving our stories the thumbs up on stumble upon And it s a good way to never get any work done for you have a look Stumble Upon Thanks for all your stories onwards and upwards to NewsBiscuit s fourth year Browse Archives October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September

    Original URL path: http://www.newsbiscuit.co.uk/about/support-newsbiscuit/ (2016-02-08)
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